Be Open

I often speak to single female friends who tell me that everyone they know who is male is either married, gay or living with his mother. As we speak further, it turns out that the “everyone” they are having trouble hooking up with are all people their own age who look a certain way, dress a certain way, have a certain level of education, and certain interests. Frankly, it serves them right to be single and lonely. They have closed off potential gifts from God.

The most common discrimination in our time, and one that has media sanction, is ageism. A new term has crept into the media lexicon — “age appropriate.” “Age appropriate” means, according to these relationships police (mostly middle aged bitter and divorced women) that a man in his 50’s should be limited to dating a woman in her 50’s. If he dates a woman in her late 20’s, for example, he is not “age appropriate.”

What a crock! This is one more “feminist” thing that is coming out that tries to force relationships into some pattern that the right or left wing makes up to shoehorn men or women into. If you are seeking only people your own age, you are being quite foolish. Before I was married, I dated up to 15 years “up” and several years “down” in age. Oh, by the way, the feministas are just fine if a younger man wants to date an older woman. We don’t hear anything about “age appropriate” there, now do we? But, when a man in his 50’s has a 27 year old on his arm, you see the bitter old bats with the iron gray hair narrowing their eyes and judging.

Date the people who relate to you. (My beloved Kristin says “the people who ‘meet’ you.”) A birth certificate date tells you nothing about the person. There are 25 year olds to whom I relate perfectly well, and 53 year olds who I can’t stand to be around. As I am a complete “out of the box” thinker, younger people (20 -30 somethings) tend to prefer to be around me to people my own age (53). I’m fine with that. The elderly also like to hang out with me, as they don’t need to think in a box any more. These people, both young and old, are lots of fun and very interesting to talk with. I could care less what their birth certificate says.

Most of the problem that people have with spending time with someone much older or much younger than themselves is in their own heads. The fact is that everyone is the same age. We all were born and we all will die. We don’t know when we’ll die. I could be with a 22 year old and she might die before me. Spend time with the people you enjoy. Stop worrying about age. Yes, if you’re younger your parents are going to have a whole litter of kittens. Isn’t it time you quit hanging with your parents anyway? Shoot down the helicopter?

The same goes for common interests, similar education, “class,” clothing style, etc. Be with the individual who makes you feel cherished and wonderful all the time, not a trophy that you can take home and show Mom and Dad or your friends. If they don’t fully accept your choices as an adult, they’re not much of a family and certainly not very good friends, now, are they?

The people who worry about looks, weight (yes…before you ask….when I was single I did date women who were overweight…and was in love with a couple through the years…), social status, car, house, bank account, and so on….you’re shallow. Very, very shallow. And, I suppose, you deserve to be lonely or go through useless relationship after useless relationship.

The key to a successful relationship is to find someone who makes you feel loved, wanted, cherished, heard, and so on. Women are happiest with a man who makes them know how beautiful he finds them and how wonderful they are. Men are happiest with a woman who makes him feel totally virile and powerful. I don’t care how you look, how much money you have, what you weigh, or anything else. Make a woman feel beautiful and cherished and she’ll love you back unless she is a complete Barbie Doll or Sarah Palin…wait…being redundant. Make a man feel like a wonderful lover, a fully masculine man, and powerful and he’ll love you back unless he is a Ken doll (remember, Ken has no dick or balls) or George W. Bush…oops…being redundant again.

And seek those people out….not the “beautiful people.” The “beautiful people” are usually completely in love with themselves, although this is not always true. Once I dated a drop dead gorgeous lawyer who said she didn’t get asked out that much because men were intimidated by her looks. But mostly beautiful people are enamored of themselves.

And another clue. If a man makes you feel beautiful and cherished, ladies, you’ll be surprised how good looking he becomes. If a woman makes you feel virile and powerful, men, you’ll suddenly find that she is the most beautiful woman in the world, hands down.

Stop limiting yourself on who you date. Date someone older, even much older. Date someone younger (even much younger). Date someone who isn’t that good looking. Date someone who has completely different interests. You will be pleasantly surprised.

Of course, the best way to find Mr. or Ms. Right is to vision him or her. (See the blog on that one earlier.) The best way is not to date at all. But if you must date, open yourself up to unexpectedly wonderful people.

Go find love,

J.

Dating Is Dead

The usual way that one in America these days gets into a relationship is to begin to date. This is begun with “the prowl.” You first go to places to meet other singles. These often resemble feeding time at the zoo or a medieval meat market, complete with flies and rotting meat.

Then there is the obligatory conversation before getting down to the real business of the evening: “Your place or mine?” This can vary somewhat from a quiet drink somewhere to performing partially clothed intercourse combined with amazing feats of tongues down throats in a very public place punctuated with cries of “Get a room!”

It’s enough to make someone puke. In the very highly unlikely event that the word “divorce” would ever come to my mind, the prospect of having to date again would be enough to cure me of ever even thinking that word again in my life.

So my wife and I skipped it (John is writing this column). This post is going to give you a better way to get involved with someone — a way that will require a bit of discipline and a difference in mindset. But it will result in a lifetime marriage and, more importantly, a lifetime friendship.

The way that Nicole and I talk about is the complete discarding of “chemistry.” The feeling that comes upon someone when they meet…what…their soulmate? It sure feels like that. So how come you’ve gone through so many “soulmates?”

Well, the actual reason is very simple. Here’s your brain. Here’s your brain on drugs.

When you meet someone with the correct gene combination to want to bone dance with them certain chemicals get produced in your brain, subtracting all reason, accountability and sense. These chemicals are designed to get you and the object of the chemicals’ desire into bed together and mix genes.

But that’s all. The only thing that these chemical signals tell you is that the other person would make a good gene donor to the human race when his or her genes are mixed with yours. They don’t tell you how you’ll get along, or even what kind of mommy or daddy the gene donor would be. They just tell you that, according to the chemicals. Mr. or Ms. Right is right for mating and producing good progeny for the human race.

This was very useful when the average life expectancy was, oh…..fifteen. Yeah! That’s a saber tooth tiger over there! You’d better hurry up and mate before you are lunch. (This is why the car took so long to invent…kids were getting eaten before they were old enough to get their driver’s licenses…sorry…)

But “chemistry” isn’t so useful these days. In fact, it is downright destructive. But so many people like it because it IS, after all, chemicals and an addiction.

These chemicals wear off in predictable cycles. This is the explanation for all those people you liked for an evening or a couple of weeks and then came to yourself and said “What am I doing??” The chemicals keeping you stupid just wore off, giving you insight into the depth of your incredible stupidity in thinking that you and Quasimodo or the Bride of Frankenstein over there could even be a couple much less soulmates!

The only way to get into a decent relationship is to stop counting on chemistry and begin to look at a better way of doing things. This is possible, but isn’t going to be easy. You see, you LIKE the excitement of the first date jitters and the weak and horny feeling you get when chemistry is in full swing.

So, before you read one more post of ours, you’ve got some questions to ask yourself.

1).. Do I really want a long-term, loving relationship, or do I just like to bone dance?

2). Am I addicted to excitement?

3). Am I willing to put my transitory feelings aside and enter into relationship with a healthy person for once, or do I want to still keep dating the nutcases?

Only you can answer this. But don’t bother to keep reading us if you just are looking for tips on how to get someone else into bed, are addicted to excitement and don’t want to become un-addicted, or are in love with your feelings instead of what’s best for you.

Next time, we’ll look more at this and start to look at solutions!

Peace and joy,

J.

Getting Out of Abusive Relationships

Today we must look at the dark side of marriage and significant other — abusive relationships. I was in a verbally abusive relationship which, as most of these relationships do, turned into a physically abusive relationship. I am posting this the Sacred Spiritual Marriage, Sacred Spiritual Singles and Sacred Spiritual Relationships sites, as well as the Spiritual Mastery site, as I have had several women in abusive relationships come through my life recently, and believe this is a very important topic…and not everyone reads all of the blogs.

There are some signs that you are in an abusive relationship, other than bruises and contusions or broken bones…or death. Here are the signs that your relationship is abusive.

1). Fear. While we all want to please our spouse, the main sign of an abusive relationship (unless, of course, we have our own major issues causing this problem) is that you’re always afraid.

Fear is going to be our sometime companion in any relationship because of our imperfect nature. But in an abusive relationship fear is right beside us most of the time. We’re always afraid that what we do will get the abuser angry, trigger conflict, trigger a power struggle, etc. We conform our behaviors to what the abuser wants in every case, rather than what is best for us, the children, or our work.

2). Choosing the abuser all the time over everything else. Someone in an abusive relationship will be rude to friends and family, slack on work, and do highly inappropriate things at the instigation of the abuser. For example, the typical abuser will call several times in a day to assure that the one being abused “still loves him” or is doing what she has instructed him to do, etc. The abused person will blow off important meetings, restrict social and recreational activities, and so on to do what the abuser wants, or have “an important conversation” with the abuser.

While it is normal to place our relationship with a significant other first in our lives, it is also normal to put the needs of that relationship “on hold” for a while in order to handle other important things. If you have missed an important work meeting or blown off an appointment with a friend because your significant other just absolutely needed to speak with you yet again, and just then…well, you might well be in an abusive relationship.

3). Isolation. I want Nicole to have great friends around who are supportive and fun. I’m constantly encouraging her to have lunch or dinner with a friend (we tend not to do breakfast…such a disgusting meal…). The abuser wants to isolate the abused person from all other social contacts other than those he or she provides. The abuser will say things like “Family has to come first,” and “If you loved me you’d want to be with me,” and so on. This will be combined with pathological suspicion of the friends that the abused person spends time with.

4). Short Leash. The abused person is kept on a short leash. The abuser needs to know where the abused person is precisely at all times. It is normal to get concerned about one’s spouse if he or she is not answering a cell phone or isn’t home when expected. It is not normal to call 2 minutes after a meeting is supposed to be over and say “where are you and what are you doing?”.

5). Jealousy and Suspicion. This alone is not the sign of an abusive relationship, but with the other signs can be a good indication. Trust is the basis of a loving relationship. Unless that has been really broken or betrayed, it should be there.

6). Negative Comments. The abuser will constantly be putting down the abused person. There will be very little complimentary, and a great deal of negativity. Also, this negativity doesn’t necessarily have to be about the abused person. It can just be general, persistent negativity about everything, which includes the abused person. Everyone goes through times when they are unhappy with the appearance, demeanor or behavior of one’s significant other. If this is pretty consistent, there is a problem.

7). Needing a Script. If you need a script to speak with your significant other, or you are wrong, you are in an abusive relationship.

8). Blaming. If you are always to blame, no matter what, and he or she is never to blame, never does anything wrong, etc., then you are in an abusive relationship. While most troubled marriages have one person who is more the problem than the other, no one is entirely to blame for relationships problems. And, if there is cheating, it is almost always for some reasons, so even that is not 100% the cheater’s “fault” on a usual basis.

9). Yelling. I’m a ranter and a raver. When I’m frustrated I rant and rave. But I don’t yell at Nicole. Some people vent by ranting and raving, others keep it inside. Either way is OK, but yelling at one’s spouse all the time is not “venting.” It is verbal abuse.

A note on this one. Many people raise their voices when arguing or heated. This is not, in and of itself, abuse. I’m speaking of a persistent raised voice volume.

10). Violence. Violence of any kind is abuse, period. If s/he throws things when angry, punches things, destroys things, or similar behaviors, this is abuse. If you are shoved, pushed, grabbed tightly, forcibly turned, pushed and held down, or struck in any way, this is also abuse. And the latter things are also illegal.

Abuse usually gets worse over the years. Without a great deal of help, the abuser will not change, and it is dicey even then. It is dangerous for you and your children to remain around such a person. They are a danger to you and the children and others. Trust me on this…I’ve been there. Anyway….here are a few things that you should do if the above sounds like your relationships (and, above, I haven’t been exhaustive in signs of an abusive relationship…this is a blog post, not a book…):

1). Get out. The best thing you can do in an abusive relationship is to immediately, completely and totally get out. Don’t pass “go.” Do not collect $200.00. Take yourself and the children and leave! Staying and hoping things will get better is the most stupid thing you can do. They won’t.

Oh, abusers have your number. When they sense that their punching bag is leaving they will take you out to dinner, give you loving touches, give you sex, buy you expensive gifts, and so on. I’m constantly amazed at how easy it is (and cheap, too) for abusers to keep their punching bags around. And make no mistake…that’s all you are. You are a punching bag, either physically, verbally or both, until you get out. Don’t question it, don’t wonder, don’t delay. Get out!

2). Trust your support group. Trust your support group. They have your interests at heart and you don’t have your own interests at heart. If you’ve found a loving group of people who truly want what is best for you, listen to them. You are not able to make good decisions about this. They are.

3). Don’t isolate your support group. Many abused people really torque off their support group by saying hurtful things to them, eventually having them shake their heads and walk away. I’ve walked away more than once when I’ve been accused of trying to break up a family, trying to get an abused woman for myself, and so on. It is amazing the lengths to which abused people, especially abused women, will go to convince themselves to stay in an abusive relationship. Treat your support group with love and care or they will go away, and you’ll be isolated again.

4). Get a support group. If you’ve been isolated, break free of this and obtain a group of loving people who are not hateful toward the gender of your significant other. Then nurture and listen to them.

5). Protect your children. If you’re too beaten down to protect you, protect the children. Even if it is “just” verbal abuse, you are harming your children by leaving them in that environment. Take them and get out, and let the courts sort out visitation and so on. But, if you don’t have the guts to stand up for you, at least be a good parent and stand up for your kids.

6). Listen to professional counselors, spiritual leaders, and so on. Unless you’re in certain kinds of Islam or right wingnut Christianity, your spiritual leaders are good people to listen to. Ditto counselors you have retained. Beware fundamentalist Christian counselors or clergy, however, as they may well counsel staying no matter what. This can be deadly both spiritually and, often, on the physical plane.

7). If a friend offers a safe haven, take it.

8). Don’t make friends and family suffer for your relationship. If you are interacting with others, following simple etiquette and rules of common courtesy will go a long way toward breaking the abuse cycle.

9). Refuse to interact with the abuser or get “drawn in.” Living with your abuser if you have any other choice…including a shelter…is beyond self-destructive. It is an incredibly foolish choice. If you must interact with this person, never do it alone. Do it in the presence of professional counselors or spiritual leaders or your friends. There is safety and strength in numbers, and being with others will keep the interactions civil. Don’t mistake these interactions in front of others for change on the abuser’s part, however. It is my experience that abusers very, very rarely change much. And you aren't the exception, trust me.

10). Get professional or spiritual help. I’m not a “psych” fan. But a professional marriage counselor, psychotherapist or counselor is sometimes better than nothing. If you have a spiritual bent, find a spiritual leader who has his or her feet on the ground, believes in you and can advise you.

11). Have an affair. WHAT?!?!? Did I just say that? Yep, I did. If you are unable to leave an abusive relationship any other way, having an affair is often the lesser of two evils. While I don’t recommend affairs often, if you’re in an abusive relationship, you’ve been told how stupid, fat, lazy, incompetent, ugly, etc. that you are. Having and affair will dispel that in your mind. The person you’re having an affair with will, for a time, see you as gorgeous, perfect, wonderful in every way, etc. It is hard to stay with someone who sees you as a stupid, lazy cow when you’re simultaneously being told that you are a sleek, sexy fox.

But be aware — this affair isn’t your salvation. It is a stopgap measure if you can’t leave an abusive relationship in any other way. I know I’ll get howls from the Christian crowd on this as well as from feminists, but I can tell you that, in my 30 years of counseling people, the most successful way that people leave abusive relationships is to have, at the very least, an emotional affair, if not a physical one.

Many people can’t leave a relationship until they have another one. If this is you, recognize that an affair is a short term stopgap, and that it might be unhealthy, but it is the lesser of two evils, and may well protect your kids.

There are many other things I could say, but posts are limited in length.

Love, peace, joy and prosperity to each of you.

J.

Valentine’s Day is a Scam: Don’t Fall for It

OK, I know this is late. Honestly, since Nicole and I don’t really make a big deal of Valentine’s Day, I didn’t realize yesterday was Valentine’s Day until we turned on the idiot box. But, at least you can use this advice for next year. Valentine’s Day is a scam.

First, the story of St. Valentine, like many of the Roman Catholic Saints, is very confused and probably mostly myth. The story goes that Father Valentine was marrying Christian couples and aiding Christians in other ways, which was, in the Third Century C.E., a crime. He was caught and imprisoned, then sentenced to death. He was martyred on February 14th (Old Calendar) in 269 or 270. He is commemorated in the Roman Church as a martyr. He is not, to my knowledge, commemorated in the Orthodox Church, even though we’re far more romantic than those Roman dudes.

The reason that he came to be known as a patron of romance is that he was theoretically helping Christian couples get married. This story is suspect because marriage, at this time, was still pretty much a civil ceremony that the Church blessed. But, OK. Then he theoretically healed his jailer’s daughter of blindness and wrote her a note the day he was martyred which he signed “your Valentine.” Yeah. Well. If the jailer’s daughter had received a note from a condemned criminal she would have been in deep doo doo. And that seems like a most UNloving act for someone who is supposed to be a priest and patron of love. Anyway, then they tried to beat him and club him to death and, when that didn’t work, they supposedly beheaded him. This, given the customs of Rome, is also unlikely. Only a citizen would have usually been beheaded. If the beating didn’t work, they probably just ran him through with a sword pretty unceremoniously.

Since we don’t hear of Valentine’s family, we can pretty well assume that Fr. Valentine was a celibate or gay priest, both of which were common in the Third Century. While being gay was certainly possible, most gay priests were attached to monasteries, which we don’t hear about Valentine. So he was probably celibate. So he wasn’t getting any. Not an auspicious beginning for a holiday for lovers, unless you’re in the 1950’s in a Doris Day movie.

He was also killed on his feast day in a very bloody fashion, hence the preponderance of red, which is the color, in the Roman Church, of the vestments for celebrating the death of a martyr. Also not a real cheery thought on a holiday for lovers.

So, if you were alone this Valentine’s Day, don’t be too upset. The very founder of the day wasn’t getting any either, and he got killed by torture on Valentine’s Day, which makes your day better than his by a long shot. Think of this the next time you feel sorry for yourself because you were alone on this really stupid day.

But…to more useful reasons. Valentine’s Day is just another holiday where merchants get to make us feel guilty and make us want to buy lots of crap to make us feel less guilty. And they do everything they can to make people, in this case, men, feel very guilty. You don’t really love your wife or girlfriend unless you buy her expensive stuff. As usual, the men get stiffed on this holiday, just like we do on Father’s Day. On Mother’s Day Mom gets taken out and bought expensive stuff. On Father’s Day we get encouraged to do the cooking on a smoky gas grill and get, if we’re lucky, cheap cologne or a cheesy tie. Same way with Valentine’s Day. Women get jewelry, we get a card.

That’s OK because I don’t think anyone should go out and buy overpriced crap for anyone on Valentine’s Day, or any other day that serves only the greedy merchants. Instead, show your loved one that you love him or her the other 364 days of the year. Nicole and I are pretty lax about buying presents for each other on the actual day, whatever the day is, including Christmas (and we don’t call it that, anyway. It is our “Feast of the Nativity,”: and is a religious holiday for us, not an excuse to line the pockets of merchants.) We buy each other lots of presents and write each other lots of cards…but because we want to, not because some consortium of merchants tells us we should on a particular day. Oh, we give into the Mother’s Day and Father’s Day crap with our parents because we have to. But we don’t line merchant’s pockets on other “special days.”

The merchants, if they had their way, would have you “remember: someone different or have some “special occasion” every day of the year so they could sell more crap. And, lemming like, Americans give into it. There is a “Secretary’s Day,” and you’d better give something. And what poor employee is courageous enough to miss “Boss’s Day…” a truly bad idea. How about “Grandparent’s Day,” and on and on and on and on. This doesn’t even take into account the stupid “special occasions” where you have to “get someone something for it.” Now we’re hearing that you should get someone a present for Halloween! What? A coffin? The merchants have gotten out of hand!

And I don’t think it is an especially good idea to have kids exchanging cheap pieces of paper on this day, either. I was mostly popular through most of my schooling, and got some Valentines, but I remember both one year I wasn’t popular and the devastation of the unpopular kids who didn’t get lots of Valentines. Well, they always got one from me, because when I was in first grade, I was not popular and didn’t get very many. This sort of thing can really hurt children. It did me. The best way to handle this is to either require that everyone get a Valentine (and that everyone be nice…some “Valentines” aren’t very nice), or that they not be exchanged. While we can’t totally control the cruelty of children, we should do everything we can to keep their tiny selves from getting too destroyed by it. One year, I think it was fourth grade, I was very popular…popular enough that I could cajole everyone into giving nice Valentines to my friend Casey, who was an epileptic, and poor, besides. not a good combination in public schools for popularity. But I remember that the years before that, he’d be crying outside because no one but me and one very nice little girl (who was Asian and got teased because of her eyes) had given him a Valentine.

On Valentine’s Day and on all these other merchant’s holidays, stop the madness and agree with your loved ones that you’ll give each other things some other day…but not that one.

Then do something truly loving. Give the money you would have spent on an overpriced, overcooked and limited menu dinner and exorbitantly priced roses and jewelry to the homeless shelter or to a food bank (which are empty now because of Duh-Bya’s Depression that we are all suffering through). Give to those who are suffering, not because they don’t have a “Valentine,” but because they don’t have food in the stomachs, a roof over their heads, or shoes on their feet in the snow. That is something that the semi-mythical St. Valentine would truly approve of, rather than a once a year gesture with the (at least tacit) aim of getting laid.

Happy Thank God Valentine’s Day is Over Day.

J.

What Are the Results of Dating Addiction?

I’ve been asked since my last post, which dealt with dating addiction, what the harm is in casual dating and being dumped or dumping people again and again. Actually there are several issues. This post deals with a couple of Spiritual ones.

Of course the most obvious physical one is STDs. Several of my dating addicted Seekers who refused to follow the Spiritual discipline of a dating moratorium have wound up with serious STDs. No one has gotten AIDS yet…yet. But several people have wound up with human pappilloma virus, or genital warts, which is very closely linked to cervical, uterine, penile and vaginal cancer. A couple of others have wound up with herpes. Several have gotten Clymedia. Many others have had vaginal infections of various kinds, and one, rectal HPV and herpes at the same time. If you want a new definition of pain, she thought that the rectal herpes, along with having the rectal genital warts burned off, would probably qualify. One other Seeker wound up with genital warts in her vaginal area, having to have numerous colposcopies, a couple of cervical freezings, and also wound up with genital warts in her mouth, requiring oral surgery to remove them. On many of these, in addition to the discomfort, there was the humiliation of the nurses, the doctor, the dentist, the oral surgeon, the dental assistants, and so on know exactly what kind of sexual behavior the person had been performing. While I can assure you that the medical personnel have seen everything and couldn’t care a rat’s behind, the embarrassment the individuals felt was no less real. I can, however, tell you that, in the “dating addicted” Seeker, the thing they’re most worried about — right after their addiction has given them a lifetime and often life-threatening disease — is how this disease will effect their dating life. It is just plain absurd what these folks think!

But, over the years of being a Pressing Shamanic Healer, I have had to work on things that are far more damaging than the catching of a serious physical disease. In almost every woman I have worked on, and in a very large percentage of men, there are deep, and nasty, psychic and spiritual wounds that must be healed. These wounds are healed, at least to some degree, with many months of weekly (or more often) Shamanic Healing Trances, as well as the ancient healing art of Pressing. In Pressing, the Shamanic Healer or Medicine Wo/Man lays hands throughout the Seeker’s body, touching skin to skin over the whole body and altering and moving the energy involved in the cells, both releasing the memory RNA that physically stores the memory, and releasing the spiritual energy attached to that body area.

The issue is very simple. If you have a Spiritual trauma in a specific body area, every time that body area is touched, even in a pleasurable manner, the memories will be re-activated and played over and over again. It is necessary to release the energy and memories applied to each bodily area to induce healing of the individual, as well as changing the individual’s Spiritual and mental associations with this negative event. This is accomplished through Pressing and Shamanic Healing Trance. I have not seen anything else other than this combination work.

The problem with allowing these memories to remain is the fact that it prevents true intimacy. If you are constantly having the memories of the past pulled up every time you’re touched in even a semi-intimate fashion, you are always going to associate the pain of the past relationship(s) with a present and/or future relationship. This is why most people have repeat after repeat of a pattern of relationship, whether that repeat be to get involved with people who are not available, people who are unappreciative, or any of the other 100’s of issues we can face in relationship.

The deep woundings that go on through dating addiction and even careless dating are why, when I take on a new Seeker (someone seeking Shamanic healing and/or training) I insist on a “dating moratorium” if the individual is not already involved. Rather than perpetuating dysfunction after dysfunction (there is no “fun” in “dysfunction”) it is best to completely stop, grow and heal the dysfunctional behavior and stop the woundings. Unfortunately, this is a solution, for the dating addict, that is equivalent to cutting off an arm or something. Most can’t do it, won’t do it, and keep perpetuating the behaviors that got them wounded and dysfunctional in the first place.

Eventually this pattern of dating addiction causes an inability to connect in a truly intimate fashion with anyone. What usually happens is that the dating addict winds up in a relationship that can last anywhere from a few weeks to a few years that clearly pushes every button he or she has, but he or she feels trapped in the relationship. One sign of this is continual breakups and reconciliations. The dating (or relationship) addict keeps going back again and again to the best of the worst people…in other words, he may be verbally abusive or unavailable, but doesn’t smack her around like others did, or some similar kind of thing. What the relationship/dating addict is unwilling to do is to simply “step out,” even for a time, and heal the dysfunction, which is the only way that s/he (usually “she”) can heal both the wounding and the central dysfunction and learn to enter into true intimacy.

Now, I’ll hear from these addicts again and again the same BS I hear from alcoholics and users. They don’t think that they’re addicts. They don’t think it is hurting them. They can’t see how a “little dating” can hurt. Blah, blah, blah, blah. What they mean is that they are trapped in their addiction so much that they are unwilling to consider taking a step back (as most normal people are happy to do) and evaluate what went wrong.

One person I know got rid of a very bad boyfriend in late November/early December. By the second week in December, she was desperate to “find her man.” So deep was her addiction that she could not step back and look at what she was doing, and how she got into the mess with this person in the first place. She will go through this same pattern again and again and again, to the detriment of her health, her finances, and her life. Those of us who don’t have this addiction shake our heads at this behavior. Yet anyone who has a similar relationships addiction will do very similar things…I’ve seen it literally dozens of times in these (mostly) women.

Sometimes the dating addiction is so severe that even a steady boy or girlfriend, engagement or even marriage will not stop the need to go get other men or women. I’ve seen quite a few marriages wrecked by the need of the individual involved to be worshipped and admired by people of the opposite gender. They can’t “keep it in their pants” even when they have promises or vows to keep. This, of course, is very, very bad Karma, but causes deep wounding, as well. I might note that I am not judging polyamorous relationships where everyone is on board…simply polyamorous relationships where one of the parties believes that they are in a monogamous relationship. (Polyamorous: Loving more than one individual in a sexual relationship. Like “polygamy,” but for any gender, as “polygamy” refers to having “many wives,” like the Fundamentalist Mormons.)

The solution is simple, but not easy. Like any other addict, whether that addiction be to alcohol or substances, it must be stopped. While a relationships/dating addict certainly is capable, after healing, of finding a significant other, they must permanently stop “dating.” There are many other ways (which we’ll discuss later) that are much more effective to enter into a significant other relationship than “dating.” Dating is always going to wind up in disaster for these folks. Even if they stop for a while and get healthier, they’ll fall back into old patterns if they start to date again. And, once again, they’ll fall into disaster after disaster.

I know it is difficult. As part of my Shamanic training, as I was unmarried at the time, I was put on a year of celibacy. My wife and I entered into our relationship without dating, beginning as friends for some years, establishing emotional intimacy without sex, making out, foreplay, etc. Our first “date,” and first kiss was on the day we got engaged. I know it is difficult to break the destructive dating pattern, but I’ve done it and so can you.

You truly can learn enough to enter into a healthy relationship. It will not look like what you think it is supposed to look like. This is because your image of relationship is completely dysfunctional. By finding and listening to a Teacher, you can truly break your destructive cycle and learn to truly enter into intimacy. It will be difficult. But many people (some working with me) have done it. The alternative is to keep on the hamster wheel, and keep being wounded. The choice, as always, is yours. For your sake, I hope you take the high road to a loving and healthy relationship.

Love to all,

J.

Addiction to the Soulmate Philosophy

One thing that derails Spiritual Singles again and again is their addiction to being coupled. Before they can find someone who is truly wonderful, they must let go of this addiction completely. Otherwise, their lives and their Spirituality are in slavery to it.

Way too many Spiritual Singles are almost completely driven by the need to “connect” with a member of the opposite gender. I have seen many times where the desire for a boyfriend or girlfriend (although it tends to be a stronger derailer in women than in men) has totally destroyed someone’s life.

The obsession with being paired leads Spiritual Singles to make terrible decisions about life, even to the detriment of their children. When someone begins a Spiritual Journey with me as their Teacher, and they are single and not deeply involved, I put them on a “dating moratorium.” (See more about why at http://spiritualmastery.blogspot.com.) Unfortunately, very few people, especially the women, follow through on their commitment to this. Not getting involved with someone during the learning time of a Spiritual Journey is actually fairly standard in most places except America where sex and the need to connect with someone to be “whole” is a deep idol.

I’ve seen Seekers break this moratorium again and again, leading, invariably, to disaster. One wound up with some STDs because her “Soulmate” cheated on her — with several other women. STDs are actually a fairly common result of breaking the dating moratorium, as Seekers in certain stages of development attract darkness, and STDs are part of darkness, hitting people, as they do, at their creative center.

One Seeker hooked up with a Soulmate…who turned out to be a murderer. She got pregnant with this man’s child, then found out that he had killed several people. He was caught and is in prison for life, so this child will not know his father. Another (woman) Seeker wound up with a physical abuser, another one with a trained Darkworker, another one with a completely insane woman who almost killed him, another with a woman who drained his bank account, another with a guy who ripped off all of her jewelry…and I can go on.

All of this is because people get horny and, rather than taking care of it themselves, want to “hook up.” Unfortunately, they keep playing out the same dysfunctional patterns that they have always played out time and time again, looking for a different result. When people begin on a Spiritual Path the usual result of trying to “hook up” is even worse disaster than before the Spiritual Path began. As usual, however, foolish people do not listen to their Teachers, most of whom discourage involvement with a new “significant other” until the Seeker is pretty far down the Spiritual Path.

The New Age Movement has put out the mythology of a “Soulmate.” The mythology of a Soulmate states that there is one person who is right for the other person and our job is to find that person. Putting aside that this is way too narcissistic of a goal to truly be a Spiritual Goal, the problems are legion. First, we’re speaking of free will and the fact that people rarely follow through on what God or their own spirits are telling them. If we were dependent on finding a Soulmate, the human race would die out.

Secondly, this assumes that there is one person. Hooey! There are literally thousands of people with whom most people could connect and be very happy in life. This is demonstrated by the fact that most singles go through about 10 “Soulmates” before they find “The One.” But each “almost” boasts a “great flow, great connection” at first. I’ve even known Singles who go after married people because there is such a “great flow.” A great flow of bulls***, perhaps.

What people are experiencing is nothing more than a chemical reaction…a neurotransmitter called “PEA.” This is like a natural cocaine that floods the brain when it is set off by sexual pheromones which are sent from the hands, feet, underarms, neck, between the breasts of a woman, and somewhat from the genital area. Keep in mind that few people can smell pheromones, even though “pheromone” means “smelly hormone.” These are naturally secreted chemicals that hit the brain through the olfactory senses. In Greece, male dancers will often put handkerchiefs under their arms when they are dancing and hand them out to women (or, being Greece, men). This may sound very unsavory to Americans, but the pheromones under the arms are particularly powerful, setting off this natural cocaine. There’s your “flow” and connection. The result of PEA is to let down boundaries so that intercourse can take place, thus impregnating the female and producing offspring, preserving and passing on genes.

To be Spiritual People we need to transcend this for a time and concentrate on our Spiritual Path so that we may become the right person to find the right person. Few people are willing to do this, and, thus, divorce, breakups, broken hearts, etc., etc. are epidemic in the New Age and Spiritual Movements.

The obsession with finding a Soulmate is simply an addiction. It needs to be broken “cold turkey.” And it must be completely broken. As long as someone is asking the question of me “How long do I have to remain on this dating moratorium,” they are addicted. It is no different than someone trying to quit smoking asking when they can have a cigarette again, or someone trying to diet asking when they’re going to be able to eat a whole cheesecake again…no different at all. The same brain centers are at work.

Doing this on one’s own is almost impossible. Unfortunately, when a loving Teacher suggests a dating moratorium he or she is accused of being “controlling” or wanting to have the Seeker for him or herself as a sexual partner. So strong is the addiction to finding a “Soulmate” that nefarious motivations are imputed to loving Teachers who simply want the individual to stop dysfunctional and destructive behaviors.

How do you tell if you’re addicted to finding a “Soulmate?” Here are several simple signs.

1). You speak very frequently about finding someone of the opposite gender to friends, even asking them to hook you up, introduce you, or help you find someone.

2). You develop sudden hostility to your Teacher or anyone else who suggests that you take a break from dating and work on yourself, your Spirituality, or other projects, such as work, children, etc.

3). If you can’t obtain someone healthy, you’ll go back time and again to someone destructive or even abusive because you just don’t want to be alone.

4). You find excuses as to why it is essential that you be paired. This may be “it’s for the children,” or “I don’t do well alone.” But these are simply excuses that give you permission from yourself to continue dysfunctional behaviors.

5). You drop friends or family who have been supportive to be with a man or woman if the supportive and loving friends and family don’t agree with your choice (usually for excellent reasons).

6). You have “visions” and “dreams” of your “Soulmate” constantly, and look for psychics, Tarot, Angel Cards, Medicine Cards, etc. to tell you when the “Soulmate” is coming. If you don’t get a “reading” you like, you’ll reshuffle the cards or go to a different “psychic.”

7). You rope your children into the hunt by having them talk with you incessantly about your “Soulmate” and how wonderful it is going to be when he or she arrives (leading to incredible disappointment for the children when this person theoretically appears and is nowhere as wonderful as predicted). This, however, is the mark of an addict. They will sacrifice the well-being of even their children to be paired. This is how children wind up being molested or abused by step-parents or boyfriends or girlfriends.

I had a girlfriend (I, at first, wrote “girlfiend.” This, I believe, is more accurate.) who my daughter reported was being verbally abusive to her and blaming her for everything. I hadn’t ever heard that, so I pretended to go downstairs to where my office was then and listened. Sure enough, Meagan was telling the truth. Girlfiend was dumped the next day. My child was more important. But addicts will sacrifice their children’s happiness or stability to be with someone who is not appropriate for the kids.

There are many more signs, but my space is used up. If you are entering a Spiritual Walk, take a break from looking for pairing for a while. Concentrate on your Spiritual Walk. Become empowered by knowing that you’re OK alone for a while, even though it might not be your first choice. Then become even further empowered by knowing that you’d be OK alone forever, though you might like a mate of some kind. Only when you get to the place of acceptance and celebration of yourself and your Spiritual Walk, can you be free of the addiction to find a Soulmate. Then, of course, if an appropriate person is supposed to come along, he or she will…when you let go of your insane attachment to the concept.

J.

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Well, the holidays are almost over and it is the time of year for singles to take the plunge and, right after that New Year’s Eve Party, dump the turkey or beeotch. Here are some good reasons (though not 50 ways) to leave your lover.

1). You’re not respected. If he or she isn’t treating you right, go find someone who is. You don’t have to give them 5,000 chances, and you don’t have to be “fair” about it. If your expectations are reasonable and they’re not being met, then “step out the back, Jack.”

2). They’re interfering with your Spiritual Path. If you have someone who is messing with your Spiritual Path, objecting to the Spirituality, or otherwise interfering in any way, that’s enough to kick ‘em out and “drop off the key, Lee, and set yourself free.” (I’m so sorry Mr. Simon!)

3). Abuse of any kind. Verbal or physical abuse or substance abuse you don’t need. Bye bye. The very first time someone shoves you, hits you or (deliberately) breaks something of yours must be the last. Violence only gets worse. Don’t palm it off as an isolated occurrence. And, guys, this goes for you, too. I am a very large and commanding guy…and was physically abused in a marriage (long over) because I was taught that a man never raises his hand (or his voice) to a woman, but should take whatever she dishes out. While I will never raise my hand (and very, very rarely even my voice) to a woman, I will also never allow myself to be in a home where there is violence ever again. Be aware that the brain-dead “justice” (“just-us”) system and the idiotic cops are totally unsympathetic to abused men, even though almost as many men are abused as women. Don’t even try to call the cops or you’ll probably end up, not only abused, but in jail, too, because she’ll lie like a rug. Just leave. Oh, and on this subject, I know I’ll hear from women who believe that women are the only ones abused. Get over it, women. It is not right for anyone to hit or be violent with anyone in any way in a relationship. (This is a subject that will be revisited in another post soon.)

And, by the way, this includes throwing dishes, pounding on things, putting fists through doors, taking a baseball bat to a windshield, ripping phones out of walls, etc., etc. If your partner does that, dump ‘em immediately whether male or female. Both men and women can control their tempers, and must do so.

4). Lack of sexual attention. I knew one couple where he was “given” sex once ever three months. I recommended he get out…immediately. Sex is not a gift and it is not a weapon, it is an integral part of a relationship. If one side or the other isn’t giving you sexual attention that is approximately sufficient, get out the door. And there is one food that is proven to kill sexual desire in people — wedding cake. If you have someone with a low libido and you like sex, don’t think that marriage will make it better. It will make it worse. Move on and find someone who will fulfill your sexual needs.

Be aware that you’ll never get a perfect match except in your fantasies. But you can get a pretty close match and get someone who, if they are not able or wanting to have sex, will take care of you one way or the other. If your boy or girlfriend won’t do that, dump ‘em at once and find someone who actually cares about you. Not taking care of each others’ sexual needs is a major sign of not caring. Nobody should try to sleep frustrated. There are at least three dozen ways to give your partner pleasure without intercourse.

And, unless there is a medical reason, if your partner rarely will have intercourse, it is bye-bye time. Find someone who is loving and open with his or her body, and will satisfy your needs, both physical and psychological. My wife and I, after 5 years of marriage, still do something sexual with one another almost every single day.

5). Lack of romance. If he or she is an unromantic nerd and you long for hearts and flowers, get rid of this one and find someone who will be romantic with you. Only a fool marries the “stable” and stodgy person over the person who adores you. Yeah, the stable and stodgy one will put a roof over your head and food on the table, but the person who adores you will put a fire in your heart and your genitals…and that is sometimes much better. Let “stable and stodgy” marry “stable and stodgy” and have their “stable and stogy” little linear thinking children who follow all the little ticky rules. Marry someone who puts a song and a fire in your heart, have children who you can laugh and love with, and your life will be much happier.

6). Workaholism. Gulp. My wife claims I’m a bit of a workaholic. That is true, but so is she, we have a business together, and we’re working together toward a very specific goal. But some people are married to their jobs and have absolutely no work-life balance. Others are constantly travelling. This kind of relationship is doomed. Get it done and over with in a hurry. If you’re a person like this, better re-evaluate your priorities in life!

7). They don’t like your kids, pets, etc. Dump ‘em. Now, there is an exception to this. I had a girlfriend one time who had a Lasha Apso who had bitten three neighborhood girls, the girlfriend’s father, and, finally, me. I insisted the dog go after it tore my hand apart. Dangerous pets or violent kids…well, that is a different story. Otherwise…love me, love my dog(s), my cat(s) or my kid(s). And if you have kids...they have to really, really love your kids...all of 'em. I don't understand people who don't like kids, but they're out there. I love kids and they love me...in fact, I like 'em lots better than I like most adults, especially two special kids to me (Haley and Jake). I even like my kid lots, but she isn't a kid anymore (23).

8). Your friends really hate this person…with good reason. Look, many times your friends and family will have an agenda. My in-laws really disliked me because of the shape of my eyes…round as opposed to almond shaped. They’re Japanese and I’m Gai Jing (round eyes). Obviously, that is their problem. Many of Nicole’s friends disliked me because I supported her in being successful and powerful, and they “liked the old Nicole” who they could walk on. But, assuming you have healthy friends or, that very rare breed, a healthy family (I’ve rarely seen this bird), if they have a problem with the person, take a good look.

At least most of us have some healthy friends. If you have a Teacher, check out the person with him or her. (And if your Teacher tells you that you aren’t ready to date yet, don't! You’ll only create a terrible situation which will cause pain for everyone!) If your advisors and the healthy people in your life hate the person and have good reason to do so other than their own agenda, dump ‘em. I really, really wish I’d listened to my friend Russ and my Dad when they told me not to get involved with a woman named Gayle because she was very bad news (they actually used other words I cannot print here). Man were they ever right! At first she was wonderful, then a trip into the lower reaches of Hell. And everything they said she was — she was. So…listen to them!

9). You have very different sleep cycles. This one can be worked with, but it is very difficult. If you’re getting ready to party at 11 PM and he is dead asleep, you are going to have a very hard time having a happy life. I have been very tempted to do bodily harm to women who threw up the curtains at 6 AM and exclaimed “Isn’t it a beautiful morning!” These people should, in my opinion, be shot at the dawn they like so much…before breakfast, which is a truly disgusting meal. But, if you’re one of these very sick people you’re not going to like a normal person, like me and my wife, who think that 10 AM is a perfectly reasonable time to wake up in the morning.

One note. Be sure that someone is actually a morning person before shooting. Many people think they’re morning people because they’ve been forced to get up early all their lives, since America, sick and twisted country that it is, assigns virtueto waking up early for some stupid reason. One of our business partners is finding that she isn’t quite the morning creature she thought she was…and that 9 or 10 AM are perfectly reasonable times for waking up.

10). Linear Thinkers. If you’re reading this blog, you’re almost certainly moving on the next rung of human evolution, which involves being an Intuitive/Holistic/Gestalt Thinker. Linear Thinkers are rules based, concrete, ticky, difficult, overly organized, and a general pain in the ass. Holistic Thinkers are relationships based, situational, flexible, intelligent, and intuitive. If you’re a Holistic Thinker marrying a Linear Thinker will not work. The fact is that the two of you are different species. It is like Neanderthals and Homo Sapiens. Well, Homo Sapiens is a breed that is dying out over the next 200 years to make way for Homo Spiritualis…that’s us. If there are any Linear Thinkers around in 200 years they’ll be restricted to what they’re generally good for — making French fries, working for the government, or working in whatever military is still deemed necessary when those of us who live in love as opposed to fear and hatred take over the world. Obama/Biden (both Holistic Thinkers) are just the beginning. Please, if you are a Homo Spiritualis, don't breed with a Linear Thinker. This might produce Linear Thinking Children and prolong their reign…which has been far too long already.

These are some of the reasons for breaking up with someone that make sense. Next time we’ll look at how to deal with it from a Spiritual perspective.

Love to all,

J.